Crap, crap, and crap. So I’ve been back at work for about a month now and the work itself is going fine and the adjustment is going better than expected and there were some predictable rough spots because it’s still the same place it has always been. On Thursday, I hear about some shit that’s gone down and, well, that’s disappointing but not really surprising, and I find out that no one has picked up the Kumbaya project I tried to start last spring and, well, that’s disappointing but not really surprising. And I’m driving to the psychiatrist in the beautiful afternoon sunshine and I’m congratulating myself on how well I’m handling this. It’s not in my head. I’m not ruminating, I’m not speech-writing, I’m barely even thinking about this. I have made so much progress. I am awesome.
Now it’s Sunday morning. Every night I try to fall asleep with my imaginary boyfriend (he’s warm and cuddly), but I end up tossing and turning over work stuff, and every morning I wake up thinking about work stuff and every day I write speeches about work stuff ALL DAY LONG. And really the only difference between the before and the after is that now I realize that people do or don’t do these things because the panoply of choices available to them is limited by what they can see, not because they are intentionally trying to put me down or keep me in a defeated or subordinate position. So I’m not turning it all back onto myself and that’s terrific, but it’s still taking up way too much headspace.
If they are doing these things because they are limited and cannot see that there are other options, then it’s an uphill battle for me–with all my weirdness and rebellion and insistence on doing things the “wrong” way–to get them to even hear me when I try to explain what’s out there that they can’t see. (Me: “It doesn’t have to be like this.” Them: “Huh?”) If they won’t be able to hear me, how am I going to influence them? A decision point is coming soon when I will need to decide just how much responsibility I want to bear in fixing a problem that desperately needs to be fixed and that no one seems able or willing to fix when most people won’t be able to understand what exactly it is I did to fix it, even assuming I can.
I’ve taken up the cause many times. I’ve accomplished some amazing things in doing so. I’ve paid for it too. It’s hard to be still and accepting when I can see that a situation is deteriorating and there’s a solution that’s obvious to me. I can’t make people see things my way. I can’t fix every problem. Does trying and failing over and over again help me or hurt me? Yeah. I don’t know either.
Aaaaaaaannnnd as we approach the kickoff for today’s big show-down against A.S. Roma (who will be playing without any defenders since they are all injured, which is a lucky break for Juve, if they can capitalize on it) let’s get a look at Stephan Lichtsteiner in one of his relatively serene moments. He’s 30 and his contract is up at the end of the season. I wish he would stay, and it’s not like we have any better prospects for the right wing, but I suspect this is our last year with the Big Ugly Monster. If he doesn’t make a move for the really big money now, he’ll never get it.
This post powered by a sickening sense of dread and dejection that might result in tears or vomiting, I can’t be sure which. Oh Zebes. It’ll never be like it was *sob*