She cannot get up in the morning. She doesn’t get enough sleep, mostly for reasons that are completely her fault, but not entirely. If she doesn’t set the alarm, she will sleep for 12-14 hours, until one or two in the afternoon. Her ordinary alarm clock doesn’t cut it any more. She’s gone ahead and tried out this bad boy and it works under normal circumstances, but it appears my sleep deficit has gotten so out of hand that normal rules of engagement do not apply. She has just spent six weeks in the Booby Hatch, during which she did not get paid so it is imperative that she Go To Work and thus she Must Get Out of Bed even if she has had a mere 6 hours of sleep. But she can’t.
Yesterday, I worked at home and it got to be about 10 pm and I did some calculations and I realized that I had already missed my bedtime window and I was going to be in big trouble and probably going to miss a day of work tomorrow, by which I mean today. So I thought and thought and what the hell, let’s try something we haven’t tried already.
LET’S JUST STAY UP ALL NIGHT
And that is what I did. The plan was, stay up all night (the easy part), get to work eeeeeeeerrrrrly, put in 6 hours, turn in 2 cases, take advantage of the 2 hours of early release we always get from Uncle Sam on July 3, return the shoes that I found for $70 cheaper at Zappos, drop off overdue library books, and go to Bernie’s to watch the 2pm World Cup match, which would presumably be diverting enough to keep me awake until 4pm. Then some combination of toe store, tattoo parlor, and I don’t know, something until I could give Lucy her last walk at 8pm and be in bed at 8:30.
I stayed up. I worked my 6 hours. I returned my shoes and my library books. I feel pretty good. Maybe like I’ve had too much caffeine. Maybe like it would be a good idea if I didn’t drive any more today, although I probably could, but maybe I shouldn’t just in case. I’ve got a lot of unexplained goop in my eyes. I wouldn’t try to solve any quadratic equations today, but that doesn’t come up much any more.
So, on to Bernie’s. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnddd…….Bernie’s is closed. I can understand not being open for a 7 am or even a 10 am match on a school day, but a 2:00 match? A 2 pm World Cup Quarterfinal and a Sports Bar is closed? Who are these people? This is a problem. I was counting on futbol watched from Somewhere That Is Not My Sofa to keep me awake so I can reset my sleep cycle. I can’t just go somewhere else because of this:
which precludes walking anywhere farther away than, say, Bernie’s, which is fucking CLOSED, and because of the whole probably not a good idea to try driving thing.
Now what do I do? I know, I’ve blown an hour writing this screed and taking one crappy screen shot and uploading it and downscaling it and copying a few links and looking up my password but it’s still 5 hours until bedtime. No, I can’t go to the pool. If the children at the pool are annoying enough to keep me awake, they are also annoying enough to make me cry. If they aren’t annoying enough to keep me awake, then I fall asleep in the sun. With my pallor (thanks, Daddy!) a 5-hour sun nap in 96 degree heat (heat index 109, if you’re reading the fine print) will surely result in my demise from either heat stroke or a fatal dose of sunburn and I know that I’ve had some dark thoughts about how I might leave this world but death via My Enemy The Sun is nowhere on the list of possibilities.
Jeez. Five hours. No driving. No sleeping. No cooking. (Knives. Heating elements.) No interesting knitting. (Counting. Remembering patterns. Reading charts and codes.) No boring knitting. (That pretty much rules out knitting.) Man. I really need to be throwing popcorn at a TV screen and yelling at Alexi Lalas with like-minded tiffs right about now.
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